Immediately after moving out of my parent’s home I wallowed in the joy of freedom of choice. I had always had a curfew and restrictions on where I went and who I went with. There never seemed to be life outside of the church or its activities. The first few weeks were like taking in the cool crisp fresh air of an autumn morning a feeling a burst of energy and sense of excitement for life. I believed I had missed so much that I need to “catch up” as quickly as possible. The whole world was out there in front of me, waiting to be experienced. And, there was nothing to hold me back – NOW.

Moving from a highly structured life with boundaries and strict moral parameters to one with complete freedom and no boundaries or moral structure took its toll. Instead of an ordered plan there were random acts of survival to feed my appetite for fun. Instead of proactive assembling of a life plan, there was quickly a wife, child and financial responsibilities. Instead of four years, it took me twelve years to finish my first college degree. My impulsive decisions shaped and molded my future. What I did not realize was how strongly it was impacting my future and relationship with the living God.

Let’s label this time my “dark years,” because I honestly could not see what was happening in my life. It was honestly like walking in the dark. I was letting the people and events of life pull me along like the currents of the ocean. I rarely thought about the consequences or implications of my actions, only the event I would experience. Sooner or later, no matter who you are, the consequences catch up to you and you must live with them. The less you think, the more painful the consequences, and the more you believe that things simply cannot be changed or get better. You are in a rut and afraid to try something else, because it may be worse than the hell you are experiencing right now. I needed 1 John 1:5b – 7: “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

At this point in my life, I had accepted a free gift but refused to accept the life that came along with the gift. However, I was quite fortunate because I had a promise that says: “if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself.” (2 Timothy 2:13) So, God hung on to me, even when I wasn’t hanging on to Him. There is security in our relationship with God. It simply cannot be changed.  Despite our failures and sins we cannot surprise Him. However, our actions and decisions have a huge impact on our fellowship with God impacting our prayers, relationships and our well being, physically, spiritually and mentally. Having security is good, but having fellowship within the security brings joy to life. Having fellowship adds peace and contentment, making our days full. Having fellowship keeps the torch of hope alive, giving us a reason to say “Good morning Lord” instead of “Good Lord, its morning.”

Love Dad