In this issue devoted to health and beauty I felt it was important to consider these two matters as it regards those of us who have found ourselves single later in life. It really doesn't matter why you're single, the fact is YOU ARE. After having been around the block a time or two you have a different perspective of what a healthy, single life is and how you can find the beauty in life when there is seemingly no one with which to share that beauty.

One of the most traumatic events of my life was deciding to consider exploring new relationships after the death of my wife. I had knots in my stomach for months. I felt like I was on overload, but didn't know how to deal with life. There were so many decisions that had to be made, and I didn't know where to start. Three children, a three-state territory, and no idea how to pull it off. I want to get off of this roller coaster. It had been over a decade since I had been a part of the "dating scene" and I wasn't sure what rules were the same and what had changed. Needless to say, I suffered from dating anxiety, insecurity, frustration and all the other concerns anyone who is "not 21 anymore" suffers. My self-esteem was low because the person who had helped me establish my image, was no longer by my side.

Psychologists have long told us that divorce and/or death are one of the top five traumas we face in life. We are disoriented and don't have the personal reference points we once had to guide us along life's path to happiness, fulfillment, and success. We feel like a third wheel with the couples we used to socialize with; however, they comprise the majority of our relationships. What's a person to do? Where do you start?

Here are the facts: There are 1.5 million divorces every year and over a million other individuals become suddenly single due to the death of a spouse. That means that every year over four million new people face the same "single life trauma" you are experiencing right now. You are not alone!

Most people react in one of four ways. Person one will be angry and vent that anger on anyone and everyone. Person two will immediately try to hide their pain by filling their emptiness with all kinds of social events, including bar hopping, in a desperate search for happiness without dealing with the present. Person three will withdraw into their shell and hide. They will normally experience feelings of low self-esteem. Person four will analyze each and every person that crosses their path looking for the perfect person. However, they have an overwhelming fear of being single forever. All will quickly be disappointed, frustrated, and maybe even depressed by the whole process.

Each individual is looking in the wrong direction. They are looking at others and how someone else can help them fulfill their wants, needs, and desires. The answers are almost always within you and rarely in someone else. You will not find inner peace, joy and contentment from someone else – you must earn it yourself. You must look deep down inside and begin the process of self-discovery, self-appreciation, and self-evaluation before you can consider the type of relationship you need.

Singleness is a gift you have been given right now, even if you find it hard to believe. There is meaning and purpose for this time. You will grow like you've never grown before if you seize this opportunity and capitalize on your uniqueness. You have the opportunity of a lifetime if you will simply reach out and grasp it.

The first thing you have to remember is that you are not in competition with the younger, thinner, and more energetic crowd. This is not a race! It's the rest of your life. They don't have the knowledge, wisdom, and maturity you've acquired over the years. You're not in competition with anyone. The kind of man you need is one who falls in love with the unique and special characteristics he has always needed in a woman. You have them, you just need to communicate with them so they can be appreciated.

The second thing you should embrace is that you cannot be in a hurry. Nothing worthwhile ever came quickly. You were in a hurry the last time, weren't you? The passion of the moment seizes everyone at one time or another. This time – prepare yourself. Visualize what you want in a relationship and then make your desires your priorities. If you want a man that is sensitive and feeling, your chances of finding him at a "meat market" will probably be slim. One of the best ways to meet someone is by participating in activities you find interesting and fun. Try friends of friends, or attend a ballet, a play, a social, chamber or charitable function, a book club, a church activity, etc. Just make sure the place provides the mental stimulation you find pleasing.

The third (and probably most important aspect of this process) is to remember that your emotions are probably going to get in your way, rather than help you right now. Isolation, fear, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy are bound to creep in and play games with your mind. In my case, I felt guilty. There should have been something more I could have done to save my wife. In your case you may be feeling that the unthinkable had happened – the marriage had failed and it's your fault. Now the children must grow up in a dysfunctional family. You may even feel as if your value system has been compromised and that doesn't give you much hope for the future. At any rate you must learn to step away from those emotions by concentrating on the here and now—not the past.

You can handle your emotions and realize your personal beauty, if you take the right steps. First, give up the denial and all the empty thoughts like "if you had to live with what I had to live with, etc". Second, don't blame others, it wasn't always the jerk you were married to. Third, don't compare yourself to your ex, maybe you didn't cheat, but at this time it really doesn't matter, does it? Don't overcompensate by becoming a workaholic, a swinger, or bury yourself in parenting alone. Experience the pain, learn from it, and move on to less pain and new experiences.

Now, let's get started with experiencing and uncovering your personal beauty and develop a healthy lifestyle? It's simple.

1. Learn to forgive – both others and yourself. Forgiveness releases you from the bondage of the pain you are now feeling. Once you are released you can begin to realize your true potential. If you never forgive, your bitterness will mask your inner beauty. The true loveliness of your character will not be visible to potential mates and valuable opportunities will pass you by – and you'll accept substitutes for what you really want. Forgive, but do not forget the lessons learned.

2. Take time for self-discovery. You've probably never had this opportunity before and may never have it again. One of the greatest barriers to happiness for most singles is their lack of understanding about themselves. When an individual takes the time to perform a thorough self-evaluation through a personality and attitudes/values profile, this provides a list of what you want, think, and appreciate--separate from your ex. This is yours--your goals, aspirations, dreams, and needs. You will acquire a personal reference point which provides you with a launching pad for future happiness by solidifying in your mind your assets, liabilities, likes, and dislikes. You will also learn where you need to "look" so you won't wander aimlessly searching for Mr. Right.

3. Follow what I call the 4P's to successful relationships: Prioritize what is important to you. Develop a life purpose. It could be as simple as using your talents as an artist to make Jacksonville a more beautiful city. As you fulfill that purpose, the right person will be there to help you complete your life's task. Plan your time to fulfill that purpose. Let your natural desires for meaning direct your daily path hour by hour as you meet the needs of others and, thereby, meet your own. Develop Projects each day that need to be completed. Mark them off on your calendar and let the endorphins get you high! Your natural beauty will be obvious to everyone who watches you as you live out your passion in life. Position yourself where you need to be. Maintain relationships with the people you need to be around to fulfill your purpose. Get involved in your life's dreams and aspirations so the world can see the vibrance and passion of your soul.

If you remain true to your inner beauty, you will always be healthy of mind and spirit as you face the days ahead. Consider letting the world see your natural beauty, not what you think others want to see. I promise someone will notice – and it WILL be the right person.

Chuck Coker

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