August 1999
| There’s an overwhelming need to scream — then to cry. You bite your lip so hard that it almost bleeds when you realize that this is not the first or the last time this is going to happen. How did you get yourself in so deep? |
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Making the Most of Your Career Supermom or Superstressed? Newly Single? Adobe Acrobat Version
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Supermom or Superstressed?You can see the desks being cleaned off, the briefcases being adjusted, and watch as conversations begin to lighten up. It’s nearly five o’clock and you can see the stress of the day starting to melt away—for almost everyone, except you. It wasn’t bad enough that your boss got up on the wrong side of the bed, or that you had to carry three people’s projects through to completion due to the vacation schedule, but it was "Billy" that stressed you the most. It seems as if the last five or six times he’s been to the new day care center, he has been bitten with an "attitude virus."
As soon as you open the door to "Kiddie Land" you can see it on his face. It’s going to be a long night. He won’t sit still in the car and within ten minutes you nearly have a wreck. Just when you pull into the driveway and feel like you can let your hair down, out runs Susie to tell you that she forgot that her science project is due tomorrow and she hasn’t got everything she needs—especially a good idea.
The phone is ringing as you walk in the door—it’s Mark. Thank God! "Mark, I really need some help tonight" then you hear what is the last straw. "I’ve got to work late, and I don’t know when I will get there—don’t wait up." It’s then that you feel the anxiety turn into anger and, finally, exasperation. There’s an overwhelming need to scream—then to cry. You bite your lip so hard that it almost bleeds when you realize that this is not the first or the last time this is going to happen. How did you get yourself in so deep?
If you have experienced any part, or all of these feelings—you are not alone. Now that 60% of the adult female population is employed and a large majority of that population has children still at home, can there ever be a semblance of normalcy? Is there really such an animal as a "supermom" or is it just wishful thinking? Are you kidding yourself by thinking you can have it all?
It’s time to ask yourself two questions:
- "How did it get so crazy"
- What can you do to deal with the "overload" when it eventually comes?
and
To get some answers quickly, take this simple test. Four groups of six words follow. Check each word that you feel describes you. Once completed, see which box has the most checkmarks. These choices will provide insight into "how it got so crazy" and "what you need to do to prepare" for future supermom catastrophes.
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 |
Ambitious Forceful Decisive Direct Independent Challenging |
Expressive Enthusiastic Friendly Demonstrative Talkative Stimulating |
Methodical Systematic Reliable Steady Relaxed Modest |
Analytical Contemplative Conservative Exacting Careful Deliberative |
1 |
| If most of your checkmarks were
in group one, your hard driving, no nonsense, results-oriented approach to life has caused
you to make too many assumptions about how the hours, day, week, etc., should roll out.
You simply didn’t plan for things to go wrong. Your strong will and determination
allow you to control most situations and manipulate them for your benefit. However, today,
circumstances were beyond your control and there just wasn’t anything you could do
about it. If you want to be able to meet unforeseen circumstances like this, you are going to have to make a conscious effort to develop "contingency plans." Your natural ability to get results needs to be channeled into a "family organizational plan." Use your desire for results to motivate each individual in the family to post their weekly schedule by Sunday in a high traffic area where all members can see it. This will prepare and organize all members when a team-effort is essential. You will have greater control because you will know what to expect! |
| 2 |
| If you are a member of group
two, your optimistic "I can handle anything" approach to life has allowed you to
over-commit based on the number of hours in the day. Your persuasive nature allows you to
meet most challenges with excitement, enthusiasm, and creativity for problem-solving.
However, today (no matter how good you are) you just can’t do it all—and you
know it. If you want to be able to work yourself out of these corners you have painted yourself into, you need to develop team efforts. Your natural ability to influence family members should be directed at projects that help your "team" run smoothly. Help each family member decide which assignment or chore they can perform will facilitate group progress the most. Organize and meet weekly to discuss challenges in the week ahead. When challenges are too great, the team can take up the slack. Your natural enthusiasm can be contagious as you paint pictures and establish the framework for future successes. |
| 3 |
| If you fall into group three,
your methodical and systematic approach to life failed to consider the one
constant—change! In the fast-paced environment you live, someone is always
"fixing things that aren’t broken!" They can’t seem to stay on
schedule and never seem to mind that you had planned and prepared for today’s
agenda—not tomorrow’s—today’s! Normally your organizational skills
allow you to get things done in a reasonable timeframe. However, today was anything but
normal! You can break through those barriers of anxiety by using your natural talent for
details. Your ability to analyze family needs during a "calamity" can help you
and them be prepared. Develop a Family Meeting Routine. At your meeting, map out the weekly focus and tasks that need to be accomplished. It’s important to set time lines. Develop the "buddy system" for approaching larger tasks so they are not overwhelming. Smaller tasks can be assigned for specific times/days. Also, develop contingency plans for when "one of those days" comes along. Build in enough time so that when dad is going to be late one night, Susie can mow part of the lawn for Dad. Dad can finish up the next day, if need be. Dad can then assist Susie with one or her chores. Make sure there is team agreement and flexibility but stick with the time lines too. |
| 4 |
| If you are a member of group
four, your analytical perfectionistic approach to life caught you "catnapping"
again. You should know by now that most people are simply not as dedicated to making sure
things are "in the right place at the right time," as you are. They seem to
always be in a hurry and as a consequence, screw things up without thinking. Today
you’ve got another mess to clean up! It’s a never-ending battle, isn’t it? If you want to deal with this change and interruption better you will need to use you analytical nature to set the appropriate measures in place to avoid problems. At your family meeting ask each person to come up with at least three things that could go wrong with your weekly schedule. Then develop solutions to the challenges. For example if your late coming home then direct Suzie to the envelope on the corkboard. Take the $20 out of the envelope and order a pizza for dinner. You get the idea. Use your natural desire for appropriate answers to meet disasters with an organized "disaster plan." |
If you want to be able to meet unforeseen circumstances like this, you are going to have to reconsider life, as you now know it.
Evaluate how much real income is generated. Take the time to list all expenses you actually incur by working. Don’t just list day care and lunches. Think about the real costs that include transportation (gas, oil, depreciation, etc.), clothing, cleaning costs, etc., etc., and see if the numbers really add up. Don’t forget to add in the hidden cost of the psychological toll on the children.
If you are a single parent this exercise may not be pertinent.
Regardless of which group you fall into, the following should be of help:
Take a break when you first get home. Make a rule that no one attack you with any non emergency matters for the first 30 minutes. You will be able to handle and resolve crisis better after you unwind. Try to communicate with the kids during the day by phone, e-mail, etc. Try to address any problems that arise and short circuit any "surprises."
The key to managing a career and family without unnecessary stress is teamwork. You haven’t got a chance without it. Make sure your children play an important role, assuming responsibility as often as possible. You will be giving them lifelong learning experiences. They can use that experience to make their life better. Don’t rob them of the knowledge that will benefit them in later life.
Charles W.
Coker, Ph.D.
Founder
and CEO of LifeThrive
Jacksonville-based performance improvement company
Chuck Coker
Home | Author | Speaker | Trainer | Martial Artist |
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