While I am traveling, especially with long layovers, my parents often come to mind. When they do, I often think about how differently I have raised you than they raised me. I like to think that I am somewhat of a mix between them – and I am in many ways. However, much of my path and your lives were shaped with Tracy’s input due to my travels and work schedule. And of course she carries a different type of personality than Grandma Coker. While both were deeply devoted to their family and are/were loving, caring individuals, their approach to parenting was very different. Grandma Coker ran a “tight ship” and had a routine that dare not be interrupted. Tracy’s was and remains very much “in the moment and based on need.” It works for her and it balanced my strong objectivity.
The question is which way is right? The obvious answer is that each one was right for the time, otherwise God would have provided different parents. With that said, I personally much prefer the structure because it provides (in my mind) a bit more security and an understanding of what is expected that particular day. Since mom and dad were so structured, I added a double dose to my mentality when I joined the Marine Corps. By 1975 when I left the military, it was ingrained and I have continued to feel like it is the best way to approach life. But, it can fuel behaviors that don’t allow for all possible joy.
Somehow there was some balance with mom and dad. They used structure to ensure there were times to relax and just do nothing if that is what they wanted to do. While they never had a lot of money to do much outside of the home, there were regular “down times” for them to just relax. Unfortunately, I have never been able to quite grasp the essence of that mentality. As I think about my life, I see that my mentality has been that sitting still, being quiet and “doing nothing” was just wasting time. The truth is that it sets an individual up for getting their satisfaction AND finding their value in what is accomplished, rather than realizing that as a child of Christ, our identity should be in Him and in His work for us.
Before I go further, I will say that being able to relax and enjoy the moment is a gift. However, it like eating, some or all of us find is a matter that is hard to balance in life. We tend to be creatures of one or the other. The more structured we are, the more we can accomplish and the more we can be applauded for those accomplishments. The less structured, the greater the variations of the mental peaks and valleys, and the less opportunity for consistency and predictability in life. I see these wide, wide variations in each of you and I have watched as it impacted your lives.
If I were to make a recommendation to you, the simple answer would be to try to find balance in your life. Have aspects very structured, but plan the down and fun times and then be committed to each, whole heartedly. However, I know your personalities are always going to tend to be more one way than the other. Therefore, you will need to make a concerted effort to develop that balance. If you do, you will find more joy.
Let me make a suggestion. Find a visible place to post a calendar or if you prefer, use your phone’s calendar and alarm system. Track your time for two weeks and then make a schedule from your experience. I know each week will vary, but there will be some things that will remain consistent, like jobs or school. Note them and it will be easier to flesh out the calendar. Take the time to schedule your personal lives, especially. That will make those breaks and times of joy more predictable – actually something to look forward to. Then when they arrive, jump in with your whole heart – be in the moment but realize the moments are only temporary and fleeting. Accept them for what they are. Enjoy, but be diligent with the time you are afforded. God expects that of you and you should expect that of yourself. Love Dad.